Updated on November 2, 2016
An InCider’s opinion on a Brisbane craft beer festival
The clouds gathered over Albion Park Raceway, threatening a storm of Noahic proportions. But although not a drop of rain fell from the sky, there was indeed a downpour as the punters flooded in through the gates, and the beer flowed freely. From the moment you arrived at Beer InCider Experience, you were greeted by a constant waft of savoury smells to whet your appetite, and an overwhelming variety of beverages to wet your whistle.
For any of you non-Brisbane people reading this, Beer InCider Experience is a craft beer and cider festival (“Gasp! That was unexpected!”) featuring 184 Aussie craft beers and ciders.
This was its 3rd year of serving up fresh, locally brewed hop juice. But it’s far from being a one-trick pony.
The Music
I haven’t listened to any new music since 2001, so I’m not going to pretend I know what I’m talking about here. But apparently Josh Pyke and HOLY HOLY are music-related people who aren’t entirely unknown, and I listened to them make pleasant instrumental and vocal sounds from the stage. (There were other bands too, but you can Google them just as easily as I can.)
The Food
I like to think that people set up brainstorming sessions in conference rooms that go a little like this:
“Alright, team. We need a new kind of food that people haven’t eaten before.”
“I’ve got an idea.”
“Let’s hear it.”
“We all know macaroni and cheese exists?”
“Of course.”
“And how everyone loves hot chips?”
“I hope this is going somewhere.”
“Well, what about… hot chips with macaroni and cheese on top?”
“…Jenkins, you’re a genius. Set up a shareholder meeting ASAP.”
That’s right. There was a stall with mac and cheese on chips, because why not.
There was a stall that sold donuts for $3 each… or 50 for $50. I’m not ashamed to admit I spent a solid five minutes trying to come up with a good reason to buy 50 donuts.
There was also a stall with a sign that simply said, “CONE OF MEAT”. (Is it just me, or is there something slightly ominous about that?)
There were also your burger stalls, pizza, Greek, etc… basically every single food that beer-drinking people will get excited about.
The Activities
The Beer InCider powers-that-be were kind enough to provide plenty of things for people to do alongside drinking beer. Interestingly, all of these activities seemed to be either smaller-than-usual, or bigger-than-usual.
Smaller than usual: tiny golf (putt putt), tiny soccer (foosball), tiny tennis (ping pong), and tiny Tyrannosaurus Rexes (I don’t really understand what happened here. Lots of dinosaurs had a running race. I assume they were actually people inside costumes, but I wasn’t willing to get too close.)
Bigger than usual: Giant Connect Four (possible use for the 50 donut deal?), and Giant Jenga. I’d like to point out that there were printed instructions for the Giant Jenga. Is that really necessary? Is it not just, ‘You pull on blocks of wood until it all falls on you’? Because that’s what we did. And I yelled ‘Jenga!’ when I made it topple over… that means I win, right?
The Beer
This is what you really wanna hear about, right?
Let me be upfront and say: as well as beer, there was cider and wine and cocktails (Oh my!). I did not drink any of them. I’m only here to talk about the beer.
Just like with the games, there were tiny beers available—100mL tasters.
Straight away there are some strategic decisions to be made.
Do I buy all smalls, for maximum breadth of sampling?
Do I buy full-sized beers, to really get the proper experience of a new brew?
(Do I overthink it?)
Usually, I’d be a sampler kind of guy—partly because I like to try a lot of new beers, and partly because I enjoy drinking from tiny cups that make me feel like a giant. But the mates I was with were full-sized beer guys. So I ended up having a mix of bigs and smalls. (Complete and utter chaos, I know.)
As you may have guessed, I didn’t work my way through all 184 beverages. (I certainly hope you guessed that.)
Here’s a spattering of the beers I enjoyed.
Aether Brewing. As you know, they’re the new kids on the block near where I live. Their Hide & Seek Pilsner had some solid flavour that I don’t often find in Pilsners, but what really blew me away me was their Hop Skip & Jump IPA. It was bitey and beautiful. And I wasn’t the only one impressed by it—RPM, another Brisbane beer blogger, said to me, “I reckon that’s possibly the best IPA in Brisbane… and that’s saying something!” I also got the chance to sample their tasty and experimental White Truffle Wheat beer. That was certainly an earthy, hearty beer. (Fun fact: earthy and hearty are anagrams of each other.)
Cavalier Brewing. You know I can only hold out for so long before going over to the dark side. Within half an hour, I spotted Cavalier’s Black Coffee IPA, and pushed and shoved my way to it. The coffee ruled the palate more than the hops, but that’s exactly what I was looking for. Well played, sirs.
Mismatch Brewing. You’ve heard about them on Schoonerversity before when beergirlworld wrote a guest post about them. Their XPA is delicious. Their Red Ale is refreshing. But the sight that had my pupils dilating to the size of Giant Connect Four tokens was the tap labeled ‘Negroni IPA’. Because that, my friends, is a memory-forging beer.
The first time I heard of a Negroni was when I first read the James Bond book, For Your Eyes Only. I ordered one in a bar shortly after, and was not disappointed. The sweet citrus of the gin, the herbal complexity of the vermouth, the bitter grapefruit peel of the Campari… and EVERY SINGLE ONE of these flavours shows up in Mismatch’s Negroni IPA. I will drink one of these every time I see it on tap. Cannot recommend highly enough.
Newstead Brewing Co. I always feel like I’m cheating when I talk these guys up, because I love them so much as people (but don’t tell them that). But the fact is, they make damn good beer. The Tokyo Faceplant Brown Ale showed its face at Beer InCider, wearing its Sorachi Ace proudly, and the Waimea Single Hop IPA was summer in a glass (er, plastic cup).
Kaiju Beer. If there’s one thing Beer InCider was lacking on the Schoonervers-o-meter, it was beers higher than 8% ABV. I spend most of my beer-drinking life above this mark, and by the time evening fell, I was just itching for a beer that would treat me like a grown-up. I thought about a Rocks Brewing RIS… but they were sold out. A Cavalier Imperial Stout? Sold out. But trust good ol’ Kaiju to bring the beasts. Betelgeuse. A big bad red that makes Pacific Rim look like the Teletubbies. Kaiju, thank you so much for bringing monsters to the party.
The People
Look, as much as I love beer, I always enjoy it exponentially more when I’m in excellent company. When you’re surrounded by down-to-earth brewers and chatty sales reps, light-hearted punters and helpful bartenders, old friends and new friends who all have a love of great beer in common, it’s hard to have a bad time.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it often: the Brisbane beer community is full of heroes, but refreshingly lacking in villains. And with beer bloggers and Beerstagrammers like BeerFoodBrisbane, Brews and Bacon, FoodGrogBlog, RPM, Brewsearch, CraftBeerQuest, 250Beers, and the President of BrewsVegas himself, Beer Tragic, is it any wonder that so many of us look forward to the beer events that bring us all together?
So cheers, Beer InCider. I raise my tiny plastic cup to you.
Updated on September 11, 2016
Lost in the Aether
Aether Brewing… the very name evokes something that is without shape or substance, lost in thin air, in the void without a location.
I’ve been hearing the name for a while now. There have been whispers aplenty—“PsstpsstnewcraftbrewerypsstpsstMilton psstpsstRailwayTerracepsstpsstwatchoutXXXXpsstpsst”—but no one actually seems to know much about them. It’s like that scene in 10 Things I Hate About You where everyone hears almost-certainly-true rumours about Heath Ledger’s character.
I figured the best way to find out about them is to go straight to the source, so I shot them a message. (“Hey guys, I hear you’re opening a brewery. I’m a complete stranger who also happens to be a beer blogger. Can I come invade your personal space?”) And with their permission, I rocked up to their digs on Railway Terrace to a building so unassuming that it might as well have been invisible.
From the moment I knocked, Jimmy and Dave treated me like an old friend.
We cracked a cold one and got chatting.
They describe themselves as a ‘couple of tradies’ (they’re both from engineering backgrounds in the oil and gas business) who have been dreaming of Aether for the last five years. Then last year, the dream began to take on solid form: they started working towards providing Brisbane with more of our favourite liquid.
I asked them, “What’s the deal with ‘Aether’?”
“In Greek mythology, Aether is the fifth element, which holds the universe together,” said Dave. “Obviously… that’s beer.”
I soon figured out that Dave is the crazy creative dreamer, and Jimmy’s more of the practical man. Dave wants to write long, poetic paragraphs on their Instagram photos. Jimmy just wants a few words to caption them. Dave came up with the fanciful idea of a white truffle wheat beer (which they actually made!). Jimmy shook his head, smiled, and said, “Cost more than any other beer ever.”
And after Dave told me about the mythological roots of Aether, Jimmy waited a moment and said, “Want to look around?”
They work well together.
I was pretty impressed with the setup. The brewhouse is custom designed and built—Jimmy and Dave put most of it together themselves.
It’s a 3 vessel system (mash, lauter, kettle/whirlpool) in 5 hectolitre. They’re running 6 single size fermenters, as well as polished copper bright beer tanks. (I hope these details mean something to some of you—honestly, I don’t know the technical side of it well enough. I just know it’s all purdy and shiny and it’s going to make lots of delicious beer for me to drink.)
It’s going to be a full brewpub, with brewing and bottling going on as you drink and eat, so you can watch the Oompa Loompas at work. They’ll be running a full kitchen, and the bar will be sporting 12 taps—their 6 core range beers, 3 Aether seasonals, and 3 guest taps. (Now those are some details that mean something to me!)
There’s seating capacity for about 50 people on the ground floor, and 55 on the mezzanine level, with the total overflow capacity reaching around 200. The plans include timber frontage, hanging plants, custom seating and tables… it’s all looking pretty snazzy.
As they showed me around and told me all this, their eyes sparkled with the vision of the finished product. And I have to admit, I kinda caught the fever, too. After all, it is in walking distance from my house. And when you factor in its proximity to The Scratch, Newstead Brewing’s soon-to-be-ready second location on Castlemaine St, and Brewski and the new Fritzenberger up on Caxton St… well, there’s a magnificent bar crawl to be had.
Aether is hoping to have their brewpub finished and open in the next couple of months. But I’m pretty stoked that we won’t have to wait that long to sample all their brews—they’re going to be at Beer InCider Experience this weekend. This’ll be the first time the general public are getting their lips around Aether’s brews, and I for one look forward to getting them in my belly. I believe they’re even going to have some of the white truffle wheat beer there, so I plan to drink like a damn king!
Jimmy and Dave showed me the labels of their core range beers, but as they’ve managed to keep them under wraps for so long, and are just drip-feeding them to social media now, I’m going to respect their wishes and only show the ones they’ve already shared. (I’ll come back and update this once they’ve shared the rest of them.) The only spoiler I’ll let slip is that their oatmeal porter has rum-soaked vanilla beans in it. The reason I’ll let that slip is because the thought of it makes me drool.
Right, here are some labels to finish up with. The Greek-mythology-inspired designs are by Steve Falco of Procreativ. Enjoy.
Hop Skip & Jump IPA – Citra, Galaxy, Mosaic (6.4% ABV, 70 IBU)
Hide & Seek Pilsner (5.0% ABV, 27 IBU)
Check out Aether Brewing on Facebook and Instagram; come drink their beers with me at Beer InCider this weekend; and keep your ear to the ground for when they open in Milton.
P.S. I just realised this post may sound a little like it’s sponsored or something. It’s not. I’m not getting paid, and I only met Jimmy and Dave this past week. I’m just excited about Aether!
Posted on September 3, 2016
Six draining months as a sales rep (and five things I loved about it)
I’m sure some of you saw it coming. You’re relatively intelligent people. (Or at least, I assume you must be intelligent, with faces like that.)
I got a job in the craft beer industry.
I did it for 6 months.
I quit my job in the craft beer industry.
That’s the short version. You can stop reading there if you like. But for those of you interested in hearing the longer, vaguely-linear story…
You’ve probably memorised my first post, in which I said I wanted to work with beer:
I love beer. And they say, ‘Do what you love’. Now that I’ve moved house and am changing jobs, I’d love to work with beer. That just seems to make sense.
There’s just one problem.
It’s not always as simple as that.
(For funsies, I just googled ‘don’t do what you love’ and read the first four or five articles. Give it a crack… there’s some good advice!)
Here are two main problems with that advice (well, there are many problems with it, but I’m going to mention two):
- There are very few jobs that are exactly and only what you love (as well as drawing, a cartoonist has to market themselves, meet deadlines, liaise with publishers; as well as playing music, a musician has to plan shows, organise finances, deal with venue owners, etc).
- I am fairly certain there is not a single job that will pay me to drink coffee on the couch with a book, potter around the garden with few results, and then eat chips and drink beer while espousing my opinions loudly.
Still, when someone emailed me through Schoonerversity with the offer of a sales rep job with Redwood Distribution, I leapt at it.
“I’ll get to talk about beer for a living! I LOVE talking about beer!”
Well… yes. I do love talking about beer.
But guess what? It turns out that sales reps do not ONLY talk about how good beer is. (The times when the job involved this—LOVED IT.) They also have to keep heaps of admin. And deal with an awful lot of problems. And chase up a billion leads that go nowhere. And deal with a load of rejection and changed minds and sorries and non-replies. And meet targets. Which all makes complete sense, and which I should have expected (and kind of did, even if I talked it all down in my head).
However, I think for me the biggest issue was not that the job was difficult. All jobs come with a bunch of baggage. You learn to live with it. You get better at dealing with it. No, for me the bigger issue was the way that the job was in my head when I wasn’t meant to be working. You see, sales rapping filled my head All. The. Time. (Which is not quite as fun as being full of beer all the time.)
I didn’t write a single thing here on Schoonerversity for 6 months. Not sure if any of you missed reading it… but I missed writing it! The problem wasn’t that I was sick of beer, or anything ridiculous like that. (“Yes, I’m sick of beer now. Also sick of puppies, chips, and oxygen.”) It was simply that my brain was hijacked 24/7 by sales repping. Just the nature of the beast, unfortunately. I had no capacity left in my head for creating.
And so for 6 months, I didn’t create. I didn’t blog, draw, garden, or crochet. (Okay so I’ve never crocheted before. But it was certainly never going to happen while I was sales repping.) While you waited with bated breath, anxious that you hadn’t seen a post for ages (“Maybe if I hit refresh one more time…”), I was likely on the very laptop I could be blogging on… but working with a spreadsheet or checking stock or sending emails or something else that isn’t blogging. Or I was ‘not working’, but thinking about work. That happened a lot, too.
So at some point, I decided to leave it. It wasn’t a great fit for me, and I wanted my brain back. The new venture I’m beginning requires it.
For all my whingeing, though, let me be clear that there was a buttload of stuff I loved about repping. I won’t diagram a buttload, but I’ll list off five things here.
1. Perks. There were definitely some perks.
This is always the first thing people ask about. While I wasn’t swimming in free beer as I had dreamed, I did get to sample a bunch of the amazing beers in my portfolio and go to a couple of events for free.
It’s important for the rep to get these things to do the job well… and it’s also a pretty sweet deal.
2. I got to peek behind the curtain of the craft beer industry.
Though the average punter can sometimes get into a chat with bar staff/venue owner/store manager/brewer and learn a few things, for the most part the consumer only gets to see the beer industry from a certain angle. That’s pretty standard in every industry. But it’s always interesting to peek behind the curtain, look under the hood… whatever analogy you want to use for ‘see how it works from the inside’.
For example, sometimes an awful lot of thought and planning goes into what’s on tap in a bar. I chatted with Tim from The Scratch once while he was working on his beer calendar, and deciding which beers would go on over a month. He took into account styles, ABV, breweries… it was a very well thought out process.
Buuuuuuut sometimes it’s much more haphazard. Like the time he told me they ‘accidentally’ had 30 beers averaging over 10% ABV for the Weekend of Darkness. Just because they got excited and picked all the ones they liked the look of. (30 beers averaging over 10% ABV makes me drool just thinking about it.)
3. I got to know some rockin’ people.
Why are so many of the people who work in the craft beer industry so awesome? I don’t know. It’s a mystery as old as beer itself. But they are. And it’s great getting to spend plenty of time with them as part of your job.
4. What’s hard for the rep is good for the consumer.
You know what’s extremely difficult about being a craft beer sales rep in Brisbane? There are an awful lot of excellent beers around.
You know what’s fan-freaking-tastic about being a craft beer lover in Brisbane? There are an awful lot of excellent beers around.
5. I grew a greater appreciation of the champions who work in the craft beer industry.
There is so much mundane legwork, so much crap to be dealt with, so many hurdles to be overcome, so many times you want to rip your hair out… but people deal with this (for much longer than I did!) so that we can drink and enjoy all the incredible beer we want.
To the brewers, the sales reps, the bar owners, the venue managers, the bar staff, the bottle shop workers… You’re the real heroes. We would salute you, except we have a beer in each hand and don’t want to spill any.
Updated on August 19, 2016
Fitz + Potts – A Mismatch made in heaven (guest post from beergirlworld)
What’s that, you say? You love to hang around Schoonerversity, but would still like to occasionally read a post written by someone else? And there’s no one you trust as much as me to curate excellent beer blog posts?
Well, you’re in luck. Here’s a guest post from Kamina of beergirlworld!
On Tuesday night, beergirlworld hit up Fitz + Potts for one of their semi-regular Meet the Maker dinner + beer tasting events, this time with the (suspiciously aptly named) Ewan Brewerton from Mismatch Brewing Co. Before the night I had very little experience of Fitz + Potts and zero knowledge of Mismatch. At the end of the night, I walked away thinking two things:
1. I have GOT to go to more of these Fitz + Potts events!
2. I have GOT to drink more of these Mismatch Beers!
Here’s why. First, the venue:
THE FOOD – The Potts half of Fitz + Potts is some kind of witch in the kitchen, and I mean the good kind of witch that feeds you truffle pate and lulls you into enchanted dreams full of dancing ravioli pockets and muffin mountains running with chocolate lava. The night included a three-course meal, which felt more like three tiers of mouth-heaven on the spiritual path to food enlightenment. Girlfriend can cook.
THE FEELS – Fitz + Potts have decorated the bar to feel like you’re at your mate’s house. If your mate was, like, a Nanna, and your Nanna’s taste ran to electric blue velvet couches and an Actual Disco Ball. It’s a fun place and people’s hearts feel at home there, even if – or especially because – some of the “tables” and “chairs” feel like they belong in inverted commas. (I sat on an impressively supportive seating object made of cardboard. More F + P magic.)
THE DOGGOS – Fitz + Potts have puppers! And they like to hang out and receive pats and maybe eat a tiny piece of baguette with truffle pate on, but I wouldn’t know about that. I’m just guessing. One of the puppers is, like, a very tall beagle that pretends like interacting with humans is below his dignity unless there’s a food involved, and the other one is a half pug, half cavalier thingy with very soft ears. I think it is called a pugalier or a cavapug or something. I just call her Ducky, because that is her name.
In summary, there are dogs and you should go to there.
Okay. Now that I’ve sold you on the venue, let’s talk Mismatch.
THE BREWERY – Look, I’ll be honest with you – I’m not good with history, even the history of recent established craft breweries, and while Ewan from Mismatch was talking about the stuff I was pretty distracted making eyes at the puppers and licking stray mushroom and truffle pate off my arm.
But I got that they hang out in the Adelaide Hills and they’re into quality and sustainability and transparency and feeling their way through making really good beer, and you can read some more on their website, which is much more coherent than I am.
Now to the really important bit:
THE BEERS – To go with the food, Fitz + Potts poured us all a pot of each of these five beers:
Session Ale – Ewan described this as “designed to session on” and I’m honestly the last person in the world to enjoy a beer that’s designed to be sessioned on. At first sip it tasted like, well, a session ale, but the finish was a pleasant surprise. Citrusy! Crisp! Tastes like yellow! I have low expectations of session ales. This one exceeded them impressively.
Archie’s Red Ale – This beer, named for a mate of Ewan’s, was described as “a tribute to beating cancer and kicking its ass”. Ewan also noted that it ages well. I would be keen to try it after a bit of said aging, but as it stands it was a fine example of a mild red – dry with a hint of maltiness. I felt like I was slightly underwhelmed by this beer, but I also felt wrong, because everybody around me was super enthusiastic about it. Maybe it’s because my face was busy in Potts’s creamy green bean and walnut casserole.
XPA – On my notes for this beer I’ve written down: ‘floral, citrusy, syrupy. This is when it got good.’
You know how you go to these tasting events and it’s a newish, smallish brewer and you so want them to be good? As much as you want to support craft and sing the praises of anybody who is having a go, you never know how well the beer is actually going to stand up.
I’ve had plenty of “only okay” session ales and red ales in my time, so as I said, I had modest expectations of those first two beers. And so far, those expectations had been pleasantly, but not electrifyingly, exceeded. If you’d asked me to assess Mismatch’s chops at this point in the night, I probably couldn’t have given a really stirring answer in any direction. The XPA was the beer that swung it, and made us all start taking notice. It was a fragrant delight. And that’s when it started to get good.
Red IPA – By this point in the night the quality of my tasting notes was declining. On the menu that I brought home with me, I’ve just scribbled: “strawberry jammy! IT’S IN THE MUFFINS!”. I do recall that it had a joyful strawberry quality that made me feel like there were bales of hay and sunshine in my heart. And it was, indeed, an ingredient in the chocolate muffins that were served for dessert. I also remember a lot of excitable nodding and sniffing from the people in my vicinity. I really can’t be more coherent than that so you’ll have to go and try it for yourself.
Negroni IPA – Jason of Brews and Bacon had insisted we have a cheeky pot of this before the tasting officially started, so fortunately my memory of it is vivid.
I don’t really have words for this beer. I mean, I have informational words, like: smells like negroni and tastes like blood orange and finishes like bitters. But I don’t have words for what the beer means to you when you drink it. The other half of beergirlworld described it as her “beer spirit animal”. Jason called it his beer of the year, and I might be inclined to agree. It’s the kind of beer that transcends the pedestrian act of drinking and inclines the drinkers to frame it as a spiritual experience. It’s the kind of beer that made me well up slightly with happy tears because I felt like the beer was offering to be my home in a complicated world. It’s the kind of beer that surprises you with how much it tastes exactly as the name promises, yet simultaneously overflows the boundaries of anything you could have imagined. Just, go and drink this beer.
Unless you don’t like the taste of bitter orange, in which case, don’t waste it on yourself, but leave more for the people who will worship appropriately at its altar.
IN SUMMARY: Fitz + Potts did a smashing job of showcasing an exciting brewery. Even the delectable food and disco atmosphere couldn’t outshine some pleasantly surprising, inventive beers. To action: Go and get your hands on some Mismatch. Like, now.
All of us here at Schoonerversity (that’s right, ALL OF US) reckon you should really check out beergirlworld. They make beer and Instagram exponentially more fun!
Marcelle & Kamina/BFFs
2 girls loving the community, supporting the craft, accidentally drinking all the beers in Brisbane 🍻💕
Is there someone else you’d like to read a guest post from, or perhaps you’re interested to see if you could make the cut? Comment below or shoot me an email at schoonerversity@gmail.com!
Updated on August 13, 2016
Taxes on tap – How to lodge your tax return in 5 easy, beery steps
They say two things are certain in life: death and taxes. (Who says this? Shut up.)
The problem is, these things can both be quite unpleasant. I wouldn’t recommend you do them both in the same evening. So if you’ve got the choice, maybe put death off for a little longer. But you really need to get onto your taxes soon. And while taxes and death don’t go so well together, taxes and beer go very well together.Here’s how to do it.
Step 1 – Be prepared
The beauty of the magical internet means that most of your income details are saved and autofilled on the tax website from last year—much nicer than the tedious job of copying from one piece of paper to another, as it used to be. But you may still have papers or information you need to figure out beforehand. I’d say more about this, except I am definitely not the person you want to be taxing tax advice from. So just make sure you’ve got your receipts or bank statements or spreadsheet pie graphs or whatever you need, so you don’t get stuck halfway through.
Also, if the bar is BYO food, possibly take a snack. Snacks are the actual best.
Step 2 – Go to a bar (with Wifi)
Head to your local watering hole. Make sure you go somewhere you feel comfortable, and the kind of place where you won’t be a nuisance.
My pick, of course, is The Scratch in Milton. Bonus points if you can walk to your local.
Step 3 – Order a beer
Get yourself a damn fine beer.
This is not the time for light. This is not the time for sessionable. This is not the time for smashable. If you order a crisp-drinkable-I-can’t-believe-it-contains-alcohol kind of beer, you’ll soon be paying it no attention, just sipping it mindlessy as you work. You won’t even notice it, and it will not make your taxes experience better.
No, you need a beer with guts. A beer that surprises you with each sip, that distracts you from the pain of tax boredom. When you start trembling at Question 13, “Do you have any bank accounts containing more than $1000 but less than $500, accruing at least 0.5% interest for each car you’ve ever owned?”, you’ll need a sip of beer that slaps you in the face and says, “Get a hold of yourself! You can do this!”
(I had Murray’s Paddington Beer, a 10% Whiskey barrel-aged spiced marmalade barleywine. It was the stuff of dreams, and from now on I will salivate when someone mentions ’tax return’.)
Step 4 – Do taxes
This is the worst part. Just get it done. Ideally with the help of someone who is better at it than you are (or at least, better at it than I am).
Step 5 – Enjoy the disproportionate sense of accomplishment
The guy who placed the last brick on the final pyramid at Giza knows nothing of the sense of accomplishment I feel when taxes are over for another year. He may have been whipped, starved, dehydrated, and robbed of liberty and human dignity… but I had to think about lots of numbers that I didn’t care about. Mr Pyramid Man never felt the relief of hitting ‘enter’ on his laptop and leaning back on a battered couch to finish his last sip of beer.
Aaaaaaand you’re done for another 12 months. Let that sink in.
Of course, this 5-step technique also works for writing a resumé. Or working on an assignment. Or writing out Christmas cards. Or drawing one of those little flip books where the man is walking down the street and gets squashed by a piano.
Basically: when you have to do Responsible Adult things, they’re more fun if you do them at a bar.*
*with the possible exception of an AA meeting. Probably don’t do that at a bar.
